The Faith Log
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The door, the hinges and my heart
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About God : 2009-12-10 08:58:48 |
In my prayer today, God showed me what I am going through.
I saw a door that opened up to show me the area where the hinges were
between the door and the door frame. The screws that held the hinges to
the door were all falling out and bent. It was like the door took some
massive beatings.
The door itself was not harmed in any way. It was solid and did not seem
to have taken any damage. Just the screws were coming undone.
There were about 6-7 hinges. I thought this was strange till I asked
what they were. Each one represented areas of my life: Relationship with God,
with my wife, work, finances, etc.
The door that I'm aware of biblically is Jesus. Perhaps the doorway is Jesus,
and the door itself is my heart. The hinges the connection with Him in my life.
There must have been a massive attack on my heart to dislodge my heart away from
Jesus. I am thankful to God that my heart is still going after God, I admit with
humility that it is only He that can sustain my love for Him. Because the enemy
was kicking or ramming the door in, the hinges of my life, those areas where I
live out my love of God have been bent up and dislodged.
God thank you.
I pray that you will give me all wisdom and strength to go through this season
of bombardment and trust that you, the caretaker of my heart will tighten the
areas of my life to be consecrated back to you fully again.
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Drink Water
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About God : 2009-11-18 17:53:40 |
In my most recent morning prayer times, I've been hearing an inner voice telling me to "drink water".
I felt that it may be the voice of the holy spirit. So, for the past few days, I've been faithfully
getting up to drink water thinking that I must be thirsty without knowing it.
Each day, the voice became louder. Today after hearing it, I went to go drink water and came back to
my prayer. The voice continued to tell me "drink water", "drink water". I felt a holy pressure within me,
as it repeated me to drink water. I said, "I just did drink water". Just to make sure I even drank it two times.
Even after that, the voice continued.
It wasn't until after this, I realized that God wasn't talking about just drinking the water physically,
but spiritually as well as bible scenes start to vaguely play in my head as the words "living water" came into my heart.
I had to look it up to make sure:
Woman at the well - John 4:10-15
10 Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink,'
you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water."
11“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep.
Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob,
who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and
his flocks and herds?” 13Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will
be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst.
Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up
to eternal life.” 15The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that
I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”
After reading this, I'm really earnestly trying to figure this out.
I asked "What does it mean to drink living water?"
"What exactly does the living water do?", "How can I drink the water?",
"Where can I find the water", and ultimately "Please give me this water!!".
I then started seeing the picture of water gushing forth from an edifice and I knew that
It was the throne of God. It filled up in a river bank that I was standing in till it was
up near my chest. I looked down and was able to see through this very very clear water slightly
tinted with blue and saw that the whole river floor was made of with sparkling precious
stones of rainbow colors. I was then moved on to read the verse in revelations
about the living water that comes out of the throne.
River from the throne of God - Revelations 22:1-2
1Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal,
flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb 2down the middle of the great
street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing
twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the
tree are for the healing of the nations.
Until now, I've been pondering and asking and finally as the day came to a close,
I looked up the term "living water" and "water of life" and found the following verse.
This is one that I did not realize and am very surprised because the answers are here.
John 7:37 -39
Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying,
“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. 38 “He who believes in Me,
as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.’”
39 But this He spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive;
for the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified.
So drinking the water means, drink Jesus.
Jesus is the Song of God, The Ultimate Love Expression of God, The Word of God.
I must go to Jesus and drink (still undefined) and the result will be that I
will be filled with the holy spirit. The source of the living water is the throne of God.
Therefore, my heart must be the throne of God for the river of living water to flow out from there.
Therefore, when I come to Jesus put seat God on the throne of my heart. Can this be the definition of "drink"?
If so what does it mean to have God on the throne of my heart through Jesus.
It means I have a relationship with God. To drink is to have a relationship with God.
Oh wow.
Ok. . I thought I was having an ok relationship with you? Does your heart desire more than this?
What more can I do? Thank you God for the vision and words that you have given me.
I sill thirst for you. Relate with me. Reveal to me who you are.
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To be able to hear my thoughts again
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About God : 2009-11-17 18:04:24 |
I can hear my thoughts again.
I don't know how to describe it, but all along, my thoughts were from God.
I took it for granted and thought it was me. It had always been God's guidance.
I don't want to loose my thoughts again. Living a thoughtless felt so lost and aimless.
Thank you God for giving my thoughts back this morning as you started to speak to me.
I want to discern between your sweet voice and my own selfishness and of the enemy.
To be aware of the difference between my soul and spirit. The word of God has the power to do that.
I must be grounded in the word of God.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword,
piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow,
and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
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And God Provides
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About God : 2006-09-29 00:53:04 |
Sometimes I feel that if i talk about it, IT will be jinxed, but this time I have to share it so that I can share with others about how God provides.
Recently, out of the blue, people have been contacting me.
These are people I've gotten comfortable not talking with.
For some reason, now, before I even told them about the big changes
in my life, they have contacted me.
I was never really the social type, or one to reach out to contact anyone
for any reason, so I never expected people to contact me either.
The following people contacted me this week.
Christine & Jason
Paul
Hyuk
Willy
Hans & Mira
As far as I know, this is strange and I am paying attention to the
reason why God is bringing us together.
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Finally the water flows again
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The Life : 2006-09-27 22:38:27 |
For the longest time, I've been stuck and wandering in the desert. All my life, I had lived with a sense of progress, movement, persuit of the clear and present next step in my life.
After I had gotten married, my personal life direction has gone into a strange stagnation. I believe there was a reason for it. I can not dismiss that Annie and I have come a long way in our relationship and learned alot through the (2) years together, taking things slow.
In reality, it was not marriage that caused me to wander in the desert, but that while agreeing to get married, I had promised my parents and Annie's parents that I would not go a certain direction in my life. From there, I had to find another direction. I thought perhaps, because I love to empower the youth, my next step in life would be to become a teacher. Doors closed quickly. That was also part of my wanderings. God let me wander for a while till recently when he offered me the opportunity to make the choice again. I felt the need to take that offer this time, or I would regret it greatly.
After I said yes, things started to happen. The water started to flow. My direction in my life became clear again.
Here are the mildstone accounts of my life that God has taken me through.
Feb 1978 - July 1998
Brought up as a Christian with Christian values.
Gave my life to Christ at a Christian retreat not from our church.
Steady growth in Christian life into college.
Aug 1999 - Oct 2004
Wandered in college which lead to rededication to Christ completely.
Called to sacrifice my newly found church & friends to serve youth at my home church.
Served youth under youth pastor.
Called to be a pastor while praying in my bedroom.
Oct 2004 - Present
Promised parents I would not become a pastor.
Married.
Served with wife as youth teachers.
Persued a career as a teacher and failed.
Youth pastor left and we wandered in the desert.
Went to leaders/teachers conference and was called to be pastor again. Said Yes.
Mission opportunity given to us. Parents support pastorship & mission.
The church has decided to send us to paraguay.
God has laid out our plans for us.
Here are the next 5 years.
We will be renting out our home and living with our parents. All our belonging will be dispursed to my parents and Annie's parents. We will go on mission for 1 or 2 year and return. Upon returning, I will enter into seminary and Annie and I will try for a baby. I will be serving the WLAKC youth when I return unless God gives us a different direction. We will continue living in my parents home until God allows us to move back into our home, or another home.
2007 - 2008: Paraguay
2008 - 2012: Seminary, Living with parents, Annie first baby, continue serving youth.
2013 : ?UNKNOWN? - Waiting for God to show us.
This is what is laid out.
I am scared to think what will happen at 2013, even 2008. I know that I will be a different person entirely, and I pray that God will grow me into a MAN of God.
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Wonderful World of Shin Issue 12
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Marriage : 2005-09-24 18:22:12 |
Today is saturday.
It has been one of the most wasted saturdays I've ever had in my life. Really.
Annie is gone and has told me that she will return by 6. It is now 4:20 and I write this to help me to feel that I did something today.
In actuality, here is what I did.
11:00AM - 1:00PM (2 hours)
Did finances and reorganization of bills. Things such as swithing how the bill is being paid to getting how much is left on a loan to calculate certain things for the future.
1:00PM - 1:15PM (15 minutes)
Got call from mom asking about some data related to people who attended our wedding. She needed a record of what a certain person gave to us a gift. They are going to a wedding for that person's son/daughter.
1:15PM - 4:30PM (3hours 15 minutes)
Did research on digital cameras, found the best camera, got to the final step of the checkout and stopped, saved cart and got out of there.
WOW... working from a laptop on the bed can REALLY slow things down.
Here is what I WISH it could have been like.
11:00AM - 12:00PM (1 hour)
Do finances and reorganize bills.
12:00PM - 1:00PM (1 hour)
Eat lunch or something (perhaps take a walk)
1:00PM - 3:00PM (2 hour)
Research cameras and get through checkout, save cart.
3:00 - 4:00 (1 hour)
Read and prepare for tomorrow
4:00 - 5:00 (1 hour)
Do something creative
5:00 - 6:00 (1 hour)
Relax
Well... it's right now 4:31
I better get going. WHOA the laptop tells me i have 31 min till
sudden death. Good thing too.
Well I now have to go and make the best of my day.
Time to hustle.
I do this so that I don't waste time when Annie gets home.
I want to spend time with her as opposed to doing my own
thingy.
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Wonderful World of Shin Issue 12
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Friends : 2005-09-20 22:54:28 |
Life is a series of transitions.
It is a change from one state to another.
Most of the times, the change does not feel as if it has been completed before we are immersed into yet another.
So as my chapter in life is about to close, another one is about to open. I have less than ONE month left before it is my YEAR Aniversary with my wife. My youth pastor leaves at the end of this month. Many projects are due beginning of October. My wife's school starts this thursday. I need to make a computer purchase for someone. The youth basketball game is on October 2nd. Meanwhile, my own life is right now in the middle of transitioning styles. . . I don't have it down yet. I'm still neglecting things during the day due to lack of getting the hang of it.
I am trying to change my lifestyle to be more "relational".
It is not easy for me because I, by nature am a "hermit".
I rather be alone than with anyone else. (except my wife for some reason)
I don't like social interactions because they make me feel uncomfortable.
It is an area of weakness that I must own and change.
While this is happening, the rest of my life is falling apart.
Is it worth it? I will give it time to determine if I can stop neglecting
the important things in my life for the sake of taking relationships
imporantly.
I interface with a machine all day.
I wish humans were machines sometimes.
At least, the machine will at the end of all the energy I put into it produce a fairly immediate result of bennefits that I enjoy seeing.
Human relationships seem to require too much for me to handle.
I give and give and give and give and give ... and I probably have to give more before anything happens, but I give up before anythign because the rest of my life goes out of wack and I need to go back into hiding (hermit) to straighten myself out.
I am socially incapable.
I am trying to transition out of this.
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Wonderful World of Shin Issue 11
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About God : 2005-08-30 17:17:32 |
Once again God has shown me that His way is the best.
Right now I have a splittinng headache, my neck is stiff in pain from hypertension, due to things that are happening in certain facets of my life, but I also feel encouraged.
(Side note)
Someone asked me, "How do you spot the turtle", if you don't know what it is, It's the webcam I have on the multimedia page. Currently, the turtle is not here anymore, and even that turtle house thingy you're looking is not there anymore so there is no turtle to spot anymore, so I apologize for the confusions.
(Side note done)
There are a few people in my life that are being "called by God".
Both these people have the need to leave in order to go.
I explicitly say that they have to "leave" because that is the part that impacts me the most.
It's the leaving part that I am most involved with.
God has always been there, and He never leaves.
People come people go, but God is forever.
This is true. The timing of these things are also so true.
The timeing of the coming and going, or the lack of coming and the lack of going, really makes me feel that God's timing is so very strangely, wonderfully, and scarily right. It's very uncomfortable, and painful, disagreeable, and sometimes even just plainly sick, but it's so right. Unfortunately, most of the times I realize how RIGHT it is after the fact that I've complained, and avoided and ignored it for some time after I have accepted it. I never learn.
Both of the people who will be leaving have the following things in common.
1) It has been pressing on them for a long time (2 year or more).
2) They are given the decision.
3) They have a strong conviction of which they must decide.
4) There are sacrifices to their conviction.
5) The conviction overweighs the fear that comes from the sacrifices.
6) Doors are opening and provisions affirm the decision.
7) People they care about affirm their decision.
(inner thought)
I know that it is not always the best to break down and analyze things, but to accept them as a whole emotion and all, but i have the tendency to do that to explain my inner thoughts and situations that go around me in the world. It helps me to sort out my emotions and also my intuitions and isight.
(inner thought end)
I'm not sure how to feel about this, but I know how (I want) to act.
For both people, I must step up and take responsibilities with a thankful and joyful heart.
Some things I am willing to take gladly, but with those things come the things that i do NOT want to take.
(inner thought)
It's the cosmic balance of life. Nobody can cheat this. People who do are holding it off are keeping it held up insied a container and the container will one day spill. For some, they spill it very slowly through a small hole. Some they wait till its' so full it cracks and floods everything.
Rule 2: Nothing in this world is perfect including our preception of perfection.
This rule itself can not stand on its own. It needs the first rule.
Rule 1: God is perfect. It needs alot of explaination, but these two things help me to understand at times when I feel like complaining. In the case above mentioned this is how it applies.
Nothing is perfect: When we get something, it will never be something that we absolutely want or need. There will be aspects of it that contain the imperfections that later make us get tired of it or feel useless about it. Along with blessings come the thing that we don't want to do: spreadinng the blessings that God gave to us. Alot of the times we want to receive without spreading and it rots. What we think of a perfect gift is not perfect to us because it comes with responsibility. This is one of the cosmic blances. With blessings come responsibility. ( uh?! perhaps an ApostleMan movie spoof is brewing here )
(inner thought end)
Whether I feel ready or not, whether I'm excited or scared, the time has come and God has appointed and these people must obey, and I as well must obey. I want to trust God through this, the way I first trusted God when He told me to leave. I know at the end of the obedience tunnle is the true light.
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Wonderful World of Shin Issue 10
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People : 2005-08-25 13:24:41 |
Today's issue will be a CASE study of PEOPLE.
People lie.
People lie to others.
People lie to themselves.
People lie about others.
People lie about themselves.
People lie to gain favor among people.
People lie to gain attention from people.
People lie to gain influential ability over people.
I see that the basic need is Love.
Love gives people what they need. . . proof of who they really are.
A person really is special and worth more than anything in the world.
The fulfillment is gained through, favor, attnetion, influence.
Those things are NOT love, but some the fruit of being loved.
It is not love itself but just the outer wapping that makes love seem so beautiful at first glance.
Illustration 1 - Makeup
Makeup can make people beautiful (feel self worth) and can give people favor, attention, influential ability over other people.
Makeup can make people feel secure by helping them feel that they have the above.
Illustration 2 - Status
Status can make people Capable (feel self worth) and give people favor, attention, influential ability over other people.
Status can make people feel secure by helping them feel that they have the above.
Illustration 3 - Popularity
Popularity can make people feel wanted (feel self worth) and can give people favor, attention, influential ability over other people.
Popularity can make people feel secure by helping them feel that they have the above.
Unfortunately, the externalities of these things do not last.
They disappear, and the people who have been searching this search for a New makeup, or New position to fill this void.
Let's take the above case of Illustration 2 & 3 to analyze further.
What if the persno lied to gain status, or lied to gain popularity.
In this scenario, it is the unfortunate flaw of the person who desires popularity or status to trust in their lies to lift them above who they really are. The structure on which they stand and keep building on is made of rotten wood. The rotten wood will one day break and the whole structure will come tumbling down.
An experienced person who lives in this manner already knows that and has a plan.
The plan is to come down, or abandon that building and start building elsewhere. They trust this plan.
Unfortunately, even this plan is absolutely flawed in its nature because of the ovbious fact that is not ovbious in the beginning. Once the person builds many towers in different places, people will start to realize that many towers exist. People whom believed one tower will one day come high enough to see that there is another tower. Sometimes two people who know eachother will see two different towers of this one person. This is a major flaw.
People do this just to be loved.
Love is hard work either way.
A person can work hard to gain real love, or gain cheep love and eventually have to do alot of maintainence that ends up bringing more work, more stress and more problems than the "good feelings" of love that they seek.
The bible states that Love to God is Obedience.
That is hard as heck to understand and hard as heck to do.
On the otherhand, God loves us freely, because God is love.
I believe it is hard for humans to love, and perhaps it is this problem that leads people who can not get true love to go searching for substitutes which promises easy, fast, and requires less sacrifice and less dealing with who the person really is. I do not think that a person all of a sudden decides, I'm going to go get Junk-love! I believe that it comes from a long span of time full of betrayal, disappointments and hardening of heart.
"Easy Love" might not tempt too much, "Fast Love" might temp somewhat, but I see many instances people can not love because the one who needs love is not willing to exposes to others who they "REALLY ARE". The basic reason for this is that in their hearts of hearts, they have the insecurity of believeing ( note i used the word believe ) that they are not worth it.
Who has convinced them of this? Perhaps themselves, but most of the time this belief is ingrained by people around them as they grow up. Situations and traumatic situations give people a changed view of themselves as being insignificant and thus go around looking to fill that void. Who is the most direct people that influence people in this way? It is the family unit. The family is the unit in which "Love" is to be shown in. Who is in charge of shoing love to the person while growing up? It is the sub-unit called parents.
Loving is hard.
Thinking forward a few years from today, I know that I will be part of the subculture called "parents'.
It is a daunting task. To love someone unconditionally and to bring up with that unconditional love that balances the following.
Know that they are Percious but be humble.
Be obedient, but not overpowered and weak.
Strong willed, but not stubborn.
Teachable but not influenced by evil.
Have a positive view of life, but also grounded in reality
Strive beyond their capabilities but also know their limits
Be confident, but not prideful
Have passionate for their purpose, but not forget the surrounding responsibilities
Most of all, to be able to grow up
and eventually show true love to their family unit without compromise.
I'm sure peopel think about these things. I'm sure they dwell on it and have hopes for it.
I understand why it is hard. Sometimes, showing true love is a sacrifice that we humans are not willing to make. We fear that giving it will empty ourselves.
I fear that It does.
But somehow, from the depth, there is a calling to put down my own pride,
become obedient, have a strong will, be teachable, have a positive view of life, strive beyond my capabilities, be confident and have passion for showing true love.
I'm still struggling with bein what I'm called to be.
In many instances with showing true love to others, I have failed miserably, and sometimes even Grandiosly.
I am striving to be what I've been called to be.. God be with me.
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Wonderful World of Shin Issue 9
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About God : 2005-08-24 16:07:04 |
Last Sunday, Mr. Deacon Kim H.J. scolded me for being bad.
What I was bad at was my attentiveness to accounting reimbusal for church fiscal services.
If that makes any sense to you, please have mercy on how you view me for writing about this becasue the main point of today's issue isn't this but it has alot to do with my attitude of giving, and the metamorphasis of paradigm.
What is giving - definition 1
Giving is: when I have ownership of something and I willfully transfer the ownership to someone else.
Long ago when I started serving the youth, God blessed me and I shared with others my blessing. In actuality, I was doing it without accounting anything, just freely sharing. God continued to bless me. I understood that as how God works and how God want's me to live. I did not need reimbursal because God had done it for me directory through situations in my life.
When I am alone and my entity includes just my own person, giving is when I take something I myself ( only one person ) have ownership of and transfering ownership of it to someone else.
My lifestyle changed and lifestage has progressed and had personally gone into a gray area of my life where I did not know clearly what was right and what was wrong anymore because in one sense, my original paradigm was something I believed in deeply and have been proven to me over time, but at the same time in this stage of my life, I feel the need to take responsibility. I belive it is due to the changing definition of the word "I" and "My".
New Definition of I & Me: My family and I
I had to come up with a different definition of what giving is due to the changing definition of "I" and "My".
What is giving - definition 2(updated)
When (my family and) I have ownership of something and (my family and) I willfully with agreeance through careful planning, transfer the ownership to someone else.
The definition has become nearly 2 times longer and takes more effort and more time to happen.
I looked back to see how i've been doing.
I was basically EVERYWHERE with NO LINE or GUIDE.
Sometimes I gave to others as giving as I would have done with permission of my wife who has faitufully been wise and submissive to the cause.
Sometimes I gave the way I did before and AFTERWARDS got permission from my wife who STILL faithfully and wisely was submissive to the cause.
Sometimes I gave to my wife and our future generation freely as I would have given to others with permission of the wife, but as you can see by the definition, giving to my family does not really mean "giving" does it?
Now this is the delima.
My resources are limited.
I feel the need to give, yet at the same time to give to the family.
When I was alone, giving ment that I would be willing to sacrifice and I'm ok with that.
On the contrast, when WE (the family and I) give, it HURTS for me to see this sacrifice.
It is harder to give. . i feel deeper pain. So. . on the most part, recently, I've been frugal
in life, and also frugal about giving. Hopefully they are in balance. I still have a desire to
give freely... but perhaps that time is over? So I thought.
Till of course one day, my wife decides to give a BUNCH of stuff to some homeless person named Rick. I was dumbfounded. She gave freely, and I didn't see anything wrong with that. I'm not quite sure what those items ment for her, but she still gave.
Here I am confused again, admiring her ability to give in that manner. I am here inside myself struggling with the pain of upholding the life of this family. I wonder if there is any good books about proper stewardship. Is giving just 10% a month to God enough?
The repremand of the respected Deacon Kim was, "this is church. church will support their people".
I must add that this deacon comes weekly almost EVERY week with a TUB of icecream for the youth and kids that he gives freely. He also is the first one to volunteer his time to giving rides for the youth when we need.
I've been reading Acts recently.
The people in the time of acts shared everything.
They sold their land and gave everything to the group.
IS that BAD? Did Paul say, "this is church, church will support the people"?
Didn't the couple who was being frugal and deciding to keep some for their own DIE by the spirit?
I guess it's different since they lied and said that it was EVERYTHING, but still, they were
tempted to lie because of their desire, ( evil or good ) to give everything was there but also
their need to suppor their family was there as well.
WHERE is the line?
Where is God's standard.
I'm scared to know what God's standards are becasue I feel that it has alot to do with what Jesus said during the sermon on the mount.
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